Archives

July 31, 2003

Delirious

heh... haven't stopped smiling since this morning when i found out that some of us we to go on a special mission outside camp... bonus being that we could go home after completing our task! it came as a total surprise... my oic was discussing abt how i was to meet them at mindef tmr, but i was thinking.. aren't we staying in camp tonight? slowly, i realised that we had something on today too! heh, would have touched down at home much earlier if it wasn't for the IP briefing... but a blessing's a blessing =)

i know i'll been a little moody and non-smiling for the past week, but i think i found the answer to being happy in camp already... let me go home!! hahaha!!! seriously... just the thought of being able to go home today was enough to drive me up and finish every single thing that was given to me in the quickest possible time lor... plus with a stupid smile on my face... haha... =P

went to pick up my sis at nus before going home in my dad's car... and as we drove past the campus... one thought just kept running thru my mind : i just can't wait to start uni life! or what i really mean is that i can't wait to leave the army and start something that's more meaningful and fun... never felt this way before, having something worthwhile to look forward to... i just can't wait...

heh, realised another truth... that the reason why i can't stand army life is that there just aren't enough friendly pple around... pple who would readily extend their friendship towards you, or just smile a simple smile when you see each other... instead you have pple who down you with lines like 'do i look like a clerk to you?'... maybe that's the biggest difference between school and army... that the people in it can make such a difference to the whole setting... like the warmth i feel in covenant... it makes life so much more worth living...

anyways... i can't remember when i was last this *happy!* haha! i guess knowing that tmr will be another short day spent outside of camp helps... should be home by 3 tmr! =P

Posted by zai at 09:01 PM | Comments (0)

July 30, 2003

Warm

didn't sleep well last night... was having a fever and slight flu... the magical number popped up twice when i took my temperature this morning... 37.5... i thought i was done for at least a few days... glad i had some help from above cos i'm feeling much better now... =)

went to johor yesterday! finally went rivercrossing with my other instructors... it wasn't all that great as it was made out to be... but it sure is a heaven for pple who like to chiong vcds and dvds... =P the busy roads, the run down streets, the almost-english signs like 'kafe' and 'butiq', well, it's all a good reminder for me how uniquely clean and wonderfully bright singapore is compared to other cities... am just glad to be here =)

Posted by zai at 10:04 PM | Comments (0)

July 25, 2003

Humbled

and the Lord brought me back up again, the very first song that friday night restored everything i had lost during the day... and i couldn't have asked for more...

I have made You too small in my eyes
Oh Lord, forgive me
When I have believed in a lie
That You were unable to help me

But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong
And in my eyes and with my song
Oh Lord, be magnified
Oh Lord, be magnified

Be magnified, Oh Lord
You are highly exalted
And there is nothing You can't do
Oh Lord, my eyes are on You
Be magnified, Oh Lord, be magnified

I have leaned on the wisdom of man
Oh God, forgive me
When I have responded to them
Instead of Your light and Your mercy

will write abt what happened in covenant.sn.com

Posted by zai at 09:30 PM | Comments (0)

Broken bridges

rewind to friday:

you know you're off to a bad start for the day when one of the stw instructors calls you up and tells you that the trainees complained that we didn't teach them a certain lesson during their gunnery phase, and now they want us to conduct the lesson all over again... and that wasn't their only complain... there was also the one abt us eating supper infront of them after live firing... but that was it for gtw instructors... the rest of the complains had to do with stw... something abt making them run around the whole day during outfield training... (i mean like duh... what else can you do when you're outfield?)

so there we were... facing the most sub-standard batch of trainees i've ever known to exist...

naturally i was hot liao... couldn't believe how pathetic the trainees were... later on that morning i was walking past 3 trainees... and when i spotted two of them carrying plastic bags, i thought 'haha... kee way lai liao...' pulled out my hp and called one the stw instructors and reported the abnormality. i thought they could handle it from there... but in the end i was called up to blk 223 to identify the 3 fellows and testify as to what i saw... and the best part to it was the trainees denied everything... just lied straight in my face... was just so disappointed at the point in time... whatever happened to just admitting to whatever you've dared to do... simply can't stand these type of pple...

and so after lunch, we conducted the lesson admist a little bit of chaos because everyone was everywhere... but we finished it and went back to office for the highlight of the day: a special OC briefing, just for us...

he walked into our office, took a seat and laid out the agenda... he wanted to get some information so that he could defend our wing against the complains from the trainees... it somehow degraded into a one-sided (his) arguement abt informal punishment and what you can or cannot do when punishing trainees... by the end of it, all of the drive and energy that i had as an instructor was just taken away from me... maybe i've always been too idealistic, maybe i'm just too naive... but from that day onwards i've given up giving my best to the SAF...

i mean, when you see something wrong, you just want to correct it, to bring it up to standard... and if you don't trust me enough to do that, then why should i waste my time and energy to do it on my own risk with absolutely no support from you?

instead you use me to do the stuff you want me to do and take what you like, when it suits you, and when it doesn't, you hang out the threat of a charge against me... what's the meaning in that?

how bad was my day? i ended up crying infront of all my fellow instructors... i'll admit it, i'm a child... always have been and always will be, because i'll never stop believing in what i think life should be abt... and i would rather die trying to build that world of mine somewhere on this earth than accept what you're throwing at me now.

Posted by zai at 09:23 PM | Comments (0)

July 24, 2003

Sounds in my head

went out for a small class gathering yesterday, had some really cheap and good pasta at millennia walk before shifting to suntec nydc for dessert... felt really good to see everyone again, even though i didn't talk much or mix around... which is rather typical of me... wish i was born more talkative or something, then at least i wouldn't waste the time we spend together at such gatherings...

really really missed nick... i mean i didn't even realise that i didn't call or message him to tell him abt our class outing until i met up with the rest on the night itself... it was like: oh no... have i given up on him that much already? just like that... a friend i've known of almost eight years just falls off the radar screen. i want to help, i want to do everything that i can... because i know it just doesn't end like this...

***

sigh... i know i've been really quiet in camp, keeping to myself most of the time for the past week... maybe it's just that we don't have any trainees under us now that's making me a little restless... (and when i get restless i go on slient mode because i'd rather do all the fighting inside of me than to burden other pple with incessant complaining). really hate slack periods in the office because it's not slack at all... half the time you're doing stuff you have no idea what for but it's just got to be done... the other half is spent tirelessly waiting for such jobs to come your way...

thankfully it isn't quite as bad as my trainee days... but then again i think it's deeper than just having any trainees around... i don't know... maybe i just like scaring the pple around me by just staying totally quiet for a while... =P sigh... it's just that in the army... when you talk, no one listens... so what's the point of talking anyway? it's so noisy already...

Posted by zai at 10:16 PM | Comments (0)

July 22, 2003

Rewind

ok, need to recap.

friday's live firing was one of the best to date... set out to do two things during the range : one was to get the first shot out to start off the whole range, and second was to play risk outfield!! sad that my first burst of fire was inturrupted by a gun jam... otherwise i would have made the gunner empty his whole belt before anyone esle could have even pressed the trigger... =P brought my speakers and ipod along, provided the background music for two rounds of risk!

saturday's cleaning of arms and maintenence was a real drag... once we came back from the range on friday night, we carried on cleaning til 5am... before starting off again at nine... you see... trainees will never believe you when you say : it's possible to clean the gas piston until you get absolutely no carbon on the fannelite... oh well, incident of the day had to be how encik eddie flared up at one of the trainees... one frightening show even for us.

sunday's service was damn good lah... the songs, the message... totally restored me having only semi-recovered from the live firing... it wasn't really max capacity cos it was raining slightly, but that made me want to give even more, hoping that i could somehow fill the empty seats with voice and spirit.

anyways... read something that really struck me during the service: that not only do you grow in the congregation, you're also responsible for growing the congregation... i don't know, i mean i'm suppose to be the new guy, but i can already feel it inside of me... that want to do something to help out in the church or to give back something... but i don't have the courage to do such stuff... and plus i don't think i'm strong enough spiritually to start doing all that... can only hope that in time...

***

was just thinking.. i'm so glad that all this came abt without all the drama and emotions that i was preparing myself for, that maybe i've paid enough a price by walking alone for the past two years, and now, i don't ever want to do that again... =)

Posted by zai at 10:26 PM | Comments (0)

July 19, 2003

=)

YEAH!!!!!! hahahahaha... just asked my mom if i could go for church tmr... was met with a smile... ok so that settles it... i'm free!!! since this is the second consecutive week i'm asking... i think she should know what i'm getting at... and since she's approved... well, nothing's holding me back now then... the last biggest barrier has been removed... =)

Posted by zai at 10:34 PM | Comments (0)

July 17, 2003

All my wildest dreams

i don't think that's too good an idea really... for all of my wildest dreams to come true... but hey, thanks anyway! =)

i think i'm beginning to understand what it means when pple say: you've got to let go of everything you believe that is a fairytale/miracle/dream/fantasy before the real magic can happen... like giving up all of your preconceived notions abt what love is and how it should happen, because when it really happens, it will come in a way you never imagined before... and if you keep holding on to your fantasy world... you might just miss the real chance to make or grab hold of something truly magical...

really... just three weeks ago i wouldn't even think such thoughts, let alone give up all of the dreams that i've built up over the past three years... but i guess the plain and simple reason that i've changed this much is that i've entrusted my destiny to Him... and amazingly for the first time in my life i feel safe doing so... it may seem as if i've given up control over my life... but really, i think i've never been more in control because now i know where my talents and power come from... and more importantly now i have someone to dedicate everything that i do to... that come what may these hands of mine will do His wonders in His name for His glory... =)

***

ok, you'll see in another month's time, i'm going to be like chun luck... plastering my blog with everything christian... sigh... i can feel it coming now that nothing's holding me back =P so to all my non-christian readers of my blog, if you're getting a little scared at my sudden change of heart mind and soul... don't worry... i'm still the same zai as ever... the same sunset-loving die-hard-romantic moulin-rouge-fanatic you once knew! =)

***

now there's two less lonely people in the world tonight...
way to go... so happy for you =)

Posted by zai at 10:15 PM | Comments (0)

July 16, 2003

Drag

the cadets are coming... well actually they only step into school of armour somewhere during the last week of aug, but i can feel them already... it's like one big splinter in my mind... just thinking of them weighs me down...

***

ack, got to go and conduct night training for one for the trainees now... this guy is impossibly slow... hope i can pass him soonest, then i can come back here...

***

WAH!!! am totally drenched from waist down... walked out of camp with an umbrella over my head and another in my hand for kapo who got stranded at the bus stop outside camp... was like fast marching with the umbrella covering my head entirely, just staring at the ground as i walked and praying that the lightning doesn't strike me... and now i'm typing this with my legs freezing in the air-coned e-learning centre...

***

anyways... the revision was taken care of quite quickly... but i ended up giving a 45 min lecture on functioning and mechanism of the MG... haha...

***

ok, last night we went for the WITs dinner at apollo centre... the food wasn't that bad... nice to see ys again, though his soft toy dog was dearly missed. the fun part only started after dinner when we ajoined to chinatown for karaoke. heh... wah singing marathon from 9pm to 3am the next morning... got to sing/shout most of my fav chinese songs, which pretty much explains why my voice is so hoarse today... wo hai nen ai shui tops the list!!

***

ok, i'll definately start working on a whole revamp for sn.com this weekend... will be using some of the sunset shots i took over the past few weeks... i guess i just want to reflect the new me in this place... might just stop the couple layout theme i've been doing for the main site for so long... but then again, i'm still the same dreamer =P

Posted by zai at 08:33 PM | Comments (0)

July 14, 2003

Thru these hands

i just can't imagine how the SAF can survive without NSFs... let them go convert all the schools, the wings into full regular estab... then we'll see...

sigh... think i'm just tired... it's the way the pple on top make use of us without gratitude or acknowledgement for the things we do that really gets me... and most of the time they can't even focus our energies properly... making changes upon changes that seem simple enough to correct, but acutally requiring so much work to make it happen...

***

that through these hands of mine...

Posted by zai at 10:14 PM | Comments (0)

July 13, 2003

Believe

i think going to two churches today and listening to two different sermons was quite a good thing really... kind of helped me to solidify my core beliefs in what i believe God means to me and steered me away from the paths that i do not want to take, even at such an early stage. here's what i think:

God, is love. and i believe, that no matter the conflict or battle, that He can win it with just love alone, such is the power of His love. He needn't even have to turn to anger or force to win the day, though he can very well do that. but wouldn't the world be such a nicer place with less hate and more love, of the forgiving and everlasting kind?

so hold the thunder and lightning for just a while, it takes time to change pple, because that's so much harder than just laughing at them... and even if i fail to convince others of the truth, what's a lifetime spent trying when we've got eternity after life to punish and condemn?

anyway... glad it coincides with my already-in-place attitude that i've been having before i converted: the more you hate me and want to do harm to me, the more i'm going to help you and love you, because if i just keep going at it, one day you will see what i've seen already.

Posted by zai at 05:19 PM | Comments (0)

July 11, 2003

A smile

heh... just anyhow clicked an icon on the desktop and guess what popped up?

"Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift."

Posted by zai at 09:16 PM | Comments (0)

Why??

why must the actions of one person bring so much trouble to all those around him?

***

i pray that when the time comes... everything will be well... that i may be freed finally to do what i want to do...

Posted by zai at 08:58 PM | Comments (0)

July 09, 2003

Lives

Prayers for lost conjoined twins

there's still one part of me that hasn't changed... it's doing whatever i can, to the max of me... and if it's still not enough, well, i'm only human, and that's my destiny...

Posted by zai at 07:30 PM | Comments (0)

July 08, 2003

Changes

sat's class gathering was great... xinrong, jean, fran, zhao, marabelle, ming fang, rebecca, sharon liu and chen, hefen, bev, nigel, gilbert, kah hee, ms chen and me... missing a few important pple though, if things were different we'd still be waiting eagerly for our wedding invitations to come...

***

i don't think i know how to describe what has happened to me... but i wish i knew the words... then i could thank rebec for opening the door for me, describe that it-has-always-been-there feeling, relive the moment i realised the truth and show that this is just the beginning, that i want to go all the way with this...

and you'll never know how much i needed this... almost two and a half years of wandering alone with wounds that never seemed to heal... now i've got something to believe in...

Posted by zai at 08:43 PM | Comments (0)

July 06, 2003

Answered

i'm going to church tmr... and this one's for you.

Posted by zai at 01:26 PM | Comments (0)

July 04, 2003

Woah...

http://www.corporatemofo.com/stories/051803matrix.htm

http://www.lura.net/03/matrix/

http://www.adamlein.com/matrix.asp

http://blogs.salon.com/0001797/2003/05/19.html

Posted by zai at 08:49 PM | Comments (0)

July 02, 2003

System change

don't know if it's worth getting this worked up over something i have absolutely no power over... but i guess deep down i just want things to change for the better... surely rainbows are more welcomed than thunderstorms...

it's always the same gripe... that the people with power have no idea how to focus it properly so that the least amount of pple get injuried in the process of doing whatever it is that they want us to do...

pure and simple consistency... go do what you set out to do and not drag the rest of us along on a detour that totally misses our objective...

i keep reminding myself that if ever i bump into these type of situations when i start my working life, that there will always be an eject button called "I QUIT!" that i can push if ever i can't stand it any longer... unlike now where there's no way to escape. but of course in the end, some twenty years from now, i'll be here typing the same stuff abt the same thing because life isn't a fairy tale, as much as i would love it to be...

***

medicine and biz ad... our paths collide once again! way to go sis =)

Posted by zai at 10:13 PM | Comments (0)

July 01, 2003

Classifieds

wanted : somone who's very presence has the ability to cure all open wounds, who can heal the soul with a simple word or two... who's showing of concern can part all clouds to let the rays shine through. with a look that beams with kindness, a smile that warms the inside, a touch that lets you know you're safe and a heart that will never close.

i can't pay very much for the job... all i have to offer are precious wonderful memories and a beautiful castle we'll build up in the sky... but i'm just day dreaming again... no one believes in such stuff anymore.

Posted by zai at 10:13 PM | Comments (0)