Archives

August 31, 2003

Always there

during the service on sunday, i was like wondering: how am i ever going to bring someone for this sunday's combined service? i don't have the spiritual maturity to convince anyone abt the message and i def don't have the guts to do this sort of thing anyway... and then mc messaged me later that night! hahaha... shared a little abt my exp with God with him... hope it'll bring him closer to the answer. poor guy... i try not to believe that luck is an attribute you're either born with or you just plain don't have it... i mean the law of equilibrium has to come in somewhere...

anways, the thing is, i did something i thought i would never be able to do... and it's something i want to do for as long as i can cos it's the biggest help you can give to a person... bringing him closer to christ. expect it to take some time and more effort... yup, but i'll work on it... =)

thank you.

Posted by zai at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)

August 29, 2003

Come back

almost got 2 trainees killed because of a decision i made during today's live firing... horrible event... sigh.

Posted by zai at 10:51 PM | Comments (0)

August 28, 2003

Your call

it's going to take nothing short of a miracle if i make it for PnP tmr... come whatever may, i'm grateful the way things are.

***

if i could, then i would
i'll go wherever you will go
way up high or down low
i'll go wherever you will go

Posted by zai at 08:05 PM | Comments (0)

August 27, 2003

Contact

She had studied the universe all her life, but had overlooked its clearest message: For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.

***

decided to visit generation terrorists tonight, haven't stepped into its pages since i joined the army one and a half years ago... it's like picking up an old toy, remembering how much you once loved to play to with it... got me thinking how much i've changed since my jc days, beginning to realise the things i've given up, not because i want to, but time changes everything, and some things just fall by the wayside...

think my love and awe for the ideal has taken the most damage of all the things i used to be, the hunt for the perfect, the never ending search for untouched beauty and pure magic... it's all abt purpose really... what do u live your life for?

then again, no... i'm still the same me i ever was, i've still got joan and alexander to keep me company when the world around me turns a darker shade of grey. and i still want to find the love that'll stop me in my tracks and choke the breath out of me...

Posted by zai at 09:49 PM | Comments (0)

August 26, 2003

Keep falling

relapse.

***

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

i am what you term 'old school' when it comes to the values i live my life by... and it seems as if i'm the only one left in this world who still believes in these sort of things...

was staring out at the 46 parade sq today during the downpour and i wondered at any one time, how many raindrops hit the ground at the exact same moment? oh no... think i'm going crazy... trying to find company for raindrops so that they wouldn't be lonely...

Posted by zai at 09:25 PM | Comments (0)

August 25, 2003

Overview

must have walked passed at least a hundred majors, lt. colonels and full colonels while i was at mindef today, wondered in my mind just how many of them had joined the army becuase they wanted the chance to change the army into a better one... and how many got lost in it without ever making a difference...

not exactly very happy thoughts, but i was feeling quite light really after the WITs coaching at mindef... was humming 'hear our praises' in my mind thru out the session =P can't help it, it's just such a waste of time, having someone point out each and every tiny grammatical error in your report, while glossing over the glaringly obvious fundamental flaws in our statistics... and this guy makes a living out of it... hai...

Posted by zai at 09:20 PM | Comments (0)

August 24, 2003

To the valleys

step off the cliff,
nothing is holding you back.
take the leap forward,
and you will see,
that those wings of yours
you thought were broken,
weak and failing,
will carry you,
to heights you've never
soared to before.

***

please don't let me seek You only because i'm in trouble or feeling down, but let me remember it is You who has given me everything, the good times so that i may enjoy them, the bad ones so that i may learn to survive them and grow stronger. i prayed today that you would clear my mind from all other things so that i could give my all in worshipping You, and You sent me down to the youth service and did just that...

Posted by zai at 11:18 PM | Comments (0)

August 22, 2003

Rekindled

and so i was walking around the camp compound at 2 am in the morning today doing my bos duty, hoping to catch a glimpse of that something that pple don't really take notice anymore. i looked up and saw clouds in a patchy sort of pattern filling up half the sky, but the stars still shined through... and it was a beautiful sight.

remembering me feeling quite happy when i spotted the stars through the clouds, as if grateful knowing that i can always seek their company if ever i was feeling lonely...

just as i can always seek God for any and everything... His love is like the stars, it never really disappears cos it's waiting out there for you to reach for it. heh, just like stars waiting in the day... doesn't mean you can't see it, it isn't there... =)

Posted by zai at 10:27 PM | Comments (0)

August 20, 2003

Rekindled

mixed day... managed to buy my sis her birthday present (a brand new digital cam!), fixed her printer and had dinner with her and my parents at home. but we only managed to get silver for the WITs competetion, got BOS duty tmr and i didn't get the chance to meet up with nick before he leaves for taiwan for one whole month... plus i'm pretty sick rite now, stupid running nose...

***

otherwise, i think i've never loved life the way i'm loving it nowadays... had a short tour of kent ridge at nus today... the rooms are so nice!!! something more that i can look forward to =) yup... and i could not have asked for more...

***

edit:

after hitting the publish button, i quickly whispered a prayer, wishing this day wouldn't just end on such an empty note... and He answered it immediately! nick sms-ed me, asking if we could talk... and yeah, it didn't solve anything, but at least it was the end of all that waiting, the start of a healing of sorts...

Posted by zai at 10:08 PM | Comments (0)

August 18, 2003

1971

it's just life: sometimes you're right, sometimes you're wrong. but for pple like me who keep a actively keep score on how many times i've let pple down because of my poor judgement/decision-making, it's just so hard to get rid of that voice in my head that keeps berating myself over and over again for some stupid mistake i made along the way during the day.

i try to be accurate, i try not to be wrong, but everytime i fall, it just takes that much more effort to bring myself back onto the offensive.

but really, should just learn to live and let live.

***

i am definately missing something here...

***

went to 40 SAR today!! hahaha, was thrust into the company of my wonderful aisl batchmates from the moment we set foot into the camp... had barely walked out of the carpark before lionel shouted a nice and loud "HEY RJ!!!"... and then it all started. =)

it was really nice to see them all together there... i mean if you bother to look over the neat clusters differentiated along company lines, you can actually feel their sense of belonging to one and another, like that of a nice extended family, and it's that feeling of being part of something so much bigger that's sometimes lacking at where i am right now... something that i envy them for...

pretty much ran into my entire ex-platoon, with a few special guests from everywhere esle... i can't describe the feeling... but i had to tear myself away from them at the end of our visit or esle encik eddie and the rest would have gone off without me... =)

haven't had a happy night for quite a while now... =)

***

ARGH!!!! HILLSONGS WAS EXACTLY HOW I EXPECTED IT TO TURN OUT!!!! AND I DIDN'T GO FOR IT!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by zai at 08:21 PM | Comments (0)

August 15, 2003

Here again

please don't talk to me about love
i'm just not old enough for that
cos everytime you remind me
of the times we used to have
it's like brushing past the stiches
that hold the rest of me intact
covering up the part of me
that i will never ever get back

Posted by zai at 09:50 PM | Comments (0)

August 14, 2003

A part away

just came from a barbecue dinner at the 42 mph... was watching finding nemo halfway when my other instructors decided to start the smoke throwing... and here i am now at the e-learning centre =)

our trainees have come back to us, albeit there's only twenty of them... 3 instructors to one weapon... talk abt overkill...

***

am i missing something here?

***

and ya, i don't do enough talking during the day, to the extend that sometimes i need to poke myself to see if i'm still alive...

Posted by zai at 08:28 PM | Comments (0)

August 13, 2003

Try again

how many chances should you give a person to prove himself? when do u draw the line and say: "that's it... the door's closed."?

i always like to believe that you should never close your eyes to the potential of others, that if they have what it takes to make it... then raise them up to jobs and vocations that will make full use of their potential... why should there be a definate period of time in which one must perform his very best or lose out on the chance to do so much more forever?

why?? because first, if you're good, you're good, you don't need second chances. and second, there has to be a system to run things on, and no system allows for infinite opportunities or the concept of forever.
...

i don't know...

Posted by zai at 07:38 PM | Comments (0)

August 12, 2003

There

just arrived at the e-learning centre... don't really want to write abt how bad and tiring today has been... had enough of going around in circles without having to depress myself by reaccounting all that has happened...

instead, today was the day i blasted my entire collection of christian songs over the speakers while working alone in the office just now =) feels great to have His company, esp when you're all alone doing stuff you know that's going to be made irrelevant and obsolete the next morning...

harmonised with the last few chords of 'where you are' just before leaving the office... yup, it's everything i've always wanted to do and feel... and there's a mark difference when i *space out* nowadays... i'm a happier me knowing there's something esle i can live for =P

Posted by zai at 09:58 PM | Comments (0)

August 11, 2003

Breathe

the original rocky road... chocolate ice-cream with marshmallows and almond nuts... yummy...! =)

spent the morning with my sis at efc today... wish i could stay for the youth service, but had to jet over to funan to shop with my sis for her printer... so we left pretty early. had one real big adventure at the IT mall... walked into the first store we saw and got that hp printer after minimum (ie. no) consideration for other brands... only to frighten ourselves at whether we had gotten the wrong printer for the wrong price... but thankfully after some hunting in the other shops, i found out that we had the best deal around... haha, talk abt plunging into the deep blindfolded. =P

recap:

thursday was range day! our most relaxed shoot to date... we started firing at 2pm and ended at 8pm?? well, it was just a small arms range for instructors, so naturally everything was smooth operation.

friday was a pretty short day for us, though most of us almost couldn't wake up in time for breakfast... suffering from weapon-cleaning-hangover from the SAR 21 range the day before. =) after the national day ceremony, we strolled back to the office and essentially just kunzed there until 12... after which we left for home! except for ty, who had to stay back and tidy up the book of standard... but i'm sure he'll get his rewards sooner or later =)

saturday was national day! it was my dad's birthday too... celebrated it with my extended family coming over for dinner... which pretty much happens every year... all the little ones were treated to a view of the fireworks from my room... they all look so cute staring out of the window! just one word, 'fireworks!!', and they all rushed up to my room, screaming and shouting... ah well, one day i'll fulfil that promise i made to myself... one day i'll be standing underneath it all again, this time with my camera in hand to take it all down...

***

If I just breathe..
Let it fill the space in between
I'll know everything is alright

Posted by zai at 11:49 PM | Comments (0)

Mei

sigh... my sis is such a kultz lah... just got her shiny new toshiba laptop and she doesn't know how to on the thing?? hahaha! went thru the powering up procedure with her over the phone, connected her comp to the net and even got her email working! she's still got to plug in her printer, install mircosoft office and sooner or later download icq though, and all this she's got to figure out on her own somehow cos she's alone in her dorm at nus now... poor girl... i don't know what i'd do without her... =P

heh... just like in all of the photos, we really grew up side by side... and the best part is we're growing still... ever needing each other once in a while. just hope that jy guy can take care of her now... esle... *mean defensive-big-brother grin*. haha...

***

spent the whole day in front of the comp... just can't churn out anything nice enough to upload onto sn... wanted to create a photolog, but i ended up spending time just reflecting on all those big issues in life... love and life, future and now... was prob triggered by me going thru some of my old websites that i keep archived on my comp. am torn between the half of me that wants to let destiny take control and the other half that wants to break out and do everything... i also realised that it's when you have nothing better to do that you break down into such ridiculous soul-searching... expect things to be better when i get back to camp tmr... then there will be things like work to distract me and my mind... =P

***

but for now, i just wish i could make a difference in two of my friends' lives... how much more has life got to step on them before they rise up again? hai...

Posted by zai at 10:26 PM | Comments (0)

August 06, 2003

Back

yesterday was a smash... haven't talked so much so rapidly for such a long time already... haha, also feels great to be in the company of someone who's mind is tuned to the same wavelength as yours... felt as if i was a fully loaded mg on a weapon-free shooting spree... enough said. time to remember all the poor folk stuck in their combat units, unable to come out to enjoy a simple movie and supper... hai... =)

***

was in a pretty good mood when i woke up this morning... probably had something to do with ly's gf's present... it's been so long since i last dabbled with such things... just glad it made two pple happy last night =P love is love is love, come whatever way... yeah!

and today was damn slack lah... spent an amazingly arrow-free day in the office reading harry porter and listening to kapo's iriver...

ok ok... shall join the counter-strike game that's raging on right now and announce to everyone that: NOT ZAI's BACK!!!!! haven't played for at least two weeks liao... here i go!!!

Posted by zai at 08:41 PM | Comments (0)

August 02, 2003

Getting there

did the 10km run this morning at east coast park... feels great to have a running partner who's willing to stick with you no matter how much you're dragging him down with your shuffling pace =) glad to have such a zhi yin friend... even though it's one of those unspoken type of relationship... but that makes it even nicer cos we know we'll be there for each other should the need arise...

wouldn't be able to attend service tmr... got a family lunch here... gonna miss the place, but i guess there's always next week to look forward to!

Posted by zai at 11:37 PM | Comments (0)