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October 29, 2003

Stars

i'm taking my camera to australia with official approval! haha... the candy store's all mine now... =P

***

and miles to go
and miles to go
and miles to go
before i sleep

Posted by zai at 08:24 PM | Comments (0)

October 27, 2003

Letters

i know... i know exactly what you mean cos i've been feeling the same way too... that was really precious you know, at least now i know that i've never been alone in feeling that way... will get around to actually making things happen, then you'll realise that nothing's changed, we're still as steady as ever ok? haha...

don't know if it has stopped raining for you or not... well, if it hasn't, it's just what, seven eight more months? cheer up, be happy, and go show them what you are really capable of. and even if they don't listen, you've at least got someone who believes.

the house is really quiet now that the two of us are not at home during the nights... pains me to think that after all those years of hard work, you're setting us free just like that... you are something i don't deserve and i couldn't have asked for more.

sorry for being so cold towards you today, i try to remind myself that we've got all the time we need soon enough to make up for this awkward period. it'll be all over by tmr.

eh... go and get some sleep pls... was looking thru all the shots we took together... ya... pls take care of yourself now that i don't see you as often... you'll do fine...

goodbye then, i don't think we'll be seeing each other for a long while...

is you out of confinement yet?? wah... how long has it been? eh i recuited your boy ok... haha!

if you didn't bother to push me off the cliff... thank you so much...

i feel so ignorant, but at the same time so blessed to have someone like you to learn from...

i know all i ever want for you is to be happy, but somehow me just being alive is enough frustrate and disappoint you to no end... i'm so sorry... but i don't want to do stuff out of guilt... so from here is where i'll start anew...

how are you? i'm not you, i never was really... a poor imitation if only, but i keep telling myself, that's good, cos it means that there's only that one special you. i do wish i could be like you, but ya... you're the one and only... enjoying your new setting? i'll be joining you soon enough...

sg cg!!! yeah!!!!

i can't promise i wouldn't have that sian look on my face from now on... but pls do remind me to treat you like a friend... really lacking in that, bad me...

where are you? we made a pact remember? oh wait... that was just me...

i don't know how things are going to end for you... it's a mystery...

Posted by zai at 08:39 PM | Comments (0)

October 26, 2003

Sum it all

there's a lot of bad will inside of me that i'm trying very hard to quell... a lot of hatred towards things that generally just aren't within my control purely/simply/thankfully because of my insignificance in the course of things...

thankfully in the sense that, if i just let go of everything and give in, no one will blame me for the things that will come because it will never come to be my responsibility. no one will expect me to put up a fight against forces that totally outmatch people like us.

but it's that instinct inside of me that just wouldn't die down... 'why are we signing our own deaths' lingers in my mind... and i want to fight, i really wish i could... just to go out there and shout: 'look there! there's a better way right there!'

but i'm weak, and i'm alone... it's all just voices in my head in the end...

***

there, of cos, is one simple solution to this all... i'm so glad that there's something perfect to believe in after all...

Posted by zai at 11:33 PM | Comments (0)

October 21, 2003

Always

thank you. that's all really...

Posted by zai at 10:25 PM | Comments (0)

October 19, 2003

Event horizon

conclusion: it takes both, each in their fullest capacity, happening at exactly the same time. and that's how it'll come for those of us who are still waiting to take the leap.

Posted by zai at 03:55 PM | Comments (0)

October 18, 2003

155km/h

silver bullet. 'nuff said.

Posted by zai at 01:26 PM | Comments (0)

October 17, 2003

(TYPE HERE)

(TYPE HERE)

Posted by zai at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)

October 16, 2003

This one's for you

wang le shi zhe me kai shi...

hai, wrote up a list of 6 trainees and passed their names to ee today... surefire potentials who will replace the leaving F4... was thinking abt how they would react to the news that they had been selected to stay back in school as instructors, that they would escape the fate that lies waiting for the rest of their course at 42 SAR... and instead be posted to, of all the wings in soa... to us...

i'm quite sure they'll be happy, quite sure that the first time i see them again they'll be grinning to the max... quite sure that when they walk into our office, they'll ask the sop question every new intructor asks: "so, do i call you sergeant cheng or not...?"

then it got me thinking abt my di yi chi... from the time i found out that i was staying back in school... to the time ly helped me carry my kit bag all the way up to our bunk... would you believe it, it's been a whole year already since... hai...

can sense the growing attachment i have to the place and people... feel as if it's starting to get comfortable... and before i know it i'll have to throw everything that i know away and leave the place... funny thing is, i don't know what to ask for for the time i have left here...

our style and culture is so different from the time i first stepped into gtw... soh doesn't stay in anymore... we don't have resident drivers left... they've shut down e-learning and tv's pretty much all we have... hai... i guess i'm just worried that the six of them might end up blaming me for condemning them to a life of boredom and misery rather than saving them...

=P there's always tmr to do all my worrying...

Posted by zai at 07:21 PM | Comments (0)

October 05, 2003

None the richer

sometimes i don't understand His workings in my life, sometimes i don't know why things happen as they do... but i know one thing for sure: i know what i want to be when i grow up. and it is this unchanging dream that has made life worth living for me, as i'm sure it'll continue to do so forever long it takes...

***

was keeping the skies under constant observation as i made my way home today... was wondering if this was one of those sunset-magic days... where the sun would colour the clouds with amazing hues of yellow and orange. got home, dropped my stuff, walked down to the barber's for a haircut, popped out of the shop and spied at the sky... nope... nowhere near as brilliant as i last remembered the way it should be...

disappointed? maybe a little... but as i was walking back home, i kept trying to locate new angles to shoot the scene from if it did happen... had enough of climbing out of my 3rd floor balcony... maybe here, maybe there... but i couldn't really pin down a perfect spot...

oh ya, i'm going to australia for a month... the best thing is i get to bring my camera along =)

***

in time when the moment is right...

Posted by zai at 11:29 PM | Comments (0)

October 02, 2003

It's my life

i am what i am, and i'll do what i want.

***

but

Posted by zai at 07:50 PM | Comments (0)

October 01, 2003

Waiting

this is from one of my friends: that there isn't really only just one the one, that there are alot of pple out there who would match you and all you have to do is to make that one, the one.

horrors of horrors, i think i'm starting to take to that view... or rather, i'm beginning to understand/realise just how impossibly hard it is to hold up mine. that's it's worth fighting for, worth dying for, blah blah etc...

the question really is: how long does it take? and during that time, how much of you does it take? the notebook guy waited for 14yrs... i'm begnning to doubt if i can hold out for that long...

***

ok ok... i'm just writing nonsense cos i'm waiting for my oic to finish his live firing briefing so that we can get the h out of here... ARGH!

***

ok, back to the same nonsense... i really should find something to throw myself into...

yeah!! we're getting out of here soon... enough of rumbling for one day. =)

***

and the darkness will never understand...

Posted by zai at 10:22 AM | Comments (0)

TRMC

here i am, at the most unlikely of places, at the most unlikely time doing the most unlikely of things: using the interent stations at pasir laba camp to blog... hai, and it's 9:30 in the morning... shouldn't i be working on that 40 slide powerpoint presentation or doing something abt my 2 lesson plans and admin instructions that are all due sometime next week? something's wrong with the world, and i'm trying to convince myself that it's not me...

anyways, have been absent from here for quite a while, ever since they closed down the e-learning centre in school, my internet life just lost all its pace and rhythm. not that i don't have anything to write abt... it's just that i've been letting events take its full toll on me without trying to reflect on them too much, life just seems simpler that way... but some things still need to be said, so...

***

week rewind:

monday, 22nd

was called up into ssm's office early in the morning to sort something out... and normally that would entail leaving his office with unwanted presents of sorts... hai, i knew i should have walked the sunday's bos thru the ground, but i just wanted to get out of camp so badly that it slipped down my piority list... it wasn't that bad a blasting session i guess cos i only got the second half action... but felt very bad anyway...

thing was, during the debriefing, i didn't offer any defence at all... as in i could have pushed the blame to someone esle and deny everything, but i decided: aiyah, i'm just going to let whatever come... and thankfully, in the end nothing came =) but still i hate to disappoint anyone... even more so the last person in school who still holds the old order up... it's the reasonable pple i hate to let down the most... oh well, whatever doesn't kill me...

***

wednesday and thursday, 24th and 25th

atec was surprisingly fast and furious, we were done by early afternoon for both days. don't really have much to say abt it, guess everything was much smoother and less touchy than the first time we did it.

phy/lit dinner! heh, had to walk thru the rain all the way back home cos i wanted to get my camera before i met up with the rest... but it was well worth the trip =) took one nice photo of the us that were there... hefen and belinda were mia...

it was a nice evening outing, even though i barely talked at the table as usual... ya, it was nice.

***

friday, 26th

our first true lull day! and i bloody hated it!!!! wah, the agony of having to watch the day pass minute by minute... couldn't wait for the day to end cos was looking forward to PnP at night... had a sushi dinner with my sis before we went down to efc.

***

saturday, 27th

was spent shopping with nick and rebecca! got one new black op t-shirt. got a new target now: mini cooper!!!!!!!! hahahaha!!! =)

Posted by zai at 09:44 AM | Comments (0)