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September 29, 2004

Faith Hill

Grace like rain, falling down on me

woah, just when you thought that everything was gone after you couldn't link your laptop to the projector during a presentation, you waste ten mins trying to setup the whole powerpoint on screen while the rest of the class ends up tiredly waiting, a group mate of yours had to speak on material given to him fifteen mins before we went on and the initial part of the presentation was messed up by miscommunication and innocent mistakes...

just when all that happens, our prof took up two of our presentation points and actually talked to us about it! i mean, that didn't happen for the first four groups that presented their project! =) and yeah, we managed to pull off our just-give-me-ten-minutes-and-i'll-be-done gamble with our presentation, which we decided to do only at the end of a whole day's worth of trying to put the project together. changed course, pulled it off, and everything turned out right cos somewhere out there He was looking out for us =)

yup, really want to commit and surrender everything. i mean, it kind of only makes sense that when you start throwing up prj idea after idea, that the source of your inspiration has to be something so much bigger than you! it's so easy to grab the glory, but hey... i'm quite rubbish really... =)

maybe one day i'll get that chance, you know? the stand on lecture table in front of everyone thing... but until then, i'm living every single second! =)

it's not easy... but i'm lovin' it!!

Posted by zai at 06:15 PM | Comments (0)

September 21, 2004

=)

Praise God!!!

haha!!

i think i've found out how to chase away all my stress and unhappiness from school... it's in the fellowship with fellow christians! i mean, the encouragement from the sharings is just so revitalising! and the best part was it didn't happen in cf, it wasn't even intentional, but it just happened! just as school life threatened to take away what little sanity we have left after getting stuffed with projects and committments, something as wonderful as a simple sharing happens and hey... life isn't that bad after all. =)

yeah, community in the worship of God =) five core values! haha

Posted by zai at 06:18 AM | Comments (0)

September 18, 2004

Candlelight

1... 2... 3... pull!!

and so one by one a lantern was born, it's translucent body radiating a soft glow from the candle inside. smile on face, lantern in hand, a kid happily walks away enthralled.

yup, remember those walks around the AJC track... me and my sis with our huge but beautiful lanterns =) we used to be the envy of all the students, but i don't we were really bothered by them wanting to trade their lanterns for ours. think we were like the kids tonight... captive to the light of our lanterns, if only for one evening.

***

the past week has been hell... i mean, i discovered exactly what is capapble of breaking my serenity and passiveness... all that restless energy...

believe me, help me, or shoot me. it's just so lonely at school... when you can't find someone who you can lean on, someone who shares the same thoughts as you and allows you to build on his or her faith. it's like i'm in my own playground wondering where all the other kids have gone... building my own sand palaces for no one to see. it's quite easy to make it a superiority thing... but that's what i so want to avoid. cos we're all learning, we're all growing... and we're all just kids really.

Posted by zai at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)

September 13, 2004

Funny how these things...

we're similar because we're both different.

and that's it really. i mean, it hit me on the bus today on the way back from school. that, in one sentence, sums up four whole years of my life. and for the first time, i finally found the reason why.

the evening was nothing short of perfect to me, and i really thank God for that...

i'm happy... i'm contented... and if you could see the smile on my face now, you'll know no amount of words can descibe it... so 'nuff said. =)

i like the things you hate,
and i like the way you hate the things i like,
i just wish it wasn't a one way street.

Posted by zai at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)

September 11, 2004

What's it matter anymore?

can u ever get an answer to questions like: did u really try your best? it's hard enough to get a positive when you get what you want in the end, but when you don't achieve what u set out to do, that's when that question really gets to you doesn't it?

but if you have, and it's out of your hands, but nothing happens, then what? trying to see an end as a start that it was meant to be is just so hard a thing to do. i guess cos if it's just a start, it means that you've only just begun and if you thought you've tried your best, well, look at the long and winding road that still needs to be walked.

i'm talking nonsense again... fact is, the window's closed and there isn't much i can do now. but i am truly thankful for a lot of things as it is... and i guess i find comfort in knowing this: that it's really like the seasons... this one's gone, but it'll come again next year, and the year after that, and the year after after that...

and who knows? i might just end up doing what i always dream of doing: to die trying... =)

Posted by zai at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)

September 10, 2004

Potential

i wanna give til it hurts, cos i haven't yet.

anyway, i got what i've been searching for from tonight's clays retooling: that this is the real thing! that pple actually believe in things that they cannot see... and the best part is, that their enormous faith is built upon their sole and total dependance on Him in prayer.

and you pray because you know that you don't know just how big and mighty the one you're talking to really is, and that you're totally relying on Him to be just that when you realise that you're pretty much useless when it comes to conquering campuses and nations if you try to do it alone.

Posted by zai at 11:16 PM | Comments (0)

September 08, 2004

How?

have been feeling extremely short-fused this week, i actually got fed up and agitated when i was on the phone with my mom today. and to hide it all to everyone i just go quiet... yes, even quieter than i normally am already...

maybe it has to do with school? the constant pressure of having to be better and different, to stand out... but i think it's more like as if i don't have much time left to do what i want to do. it's like watching winter melt away: i haven't had a chance to play in the snow yet.

it's so hard to not compare... i mean, it's literally take two now... and the here-we-go-again feeling is just a primer to the whole emotional road trip i'm going thru now. haven't i walked down this path before?

if I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?

Posted by zai at 10:19 PM | Comments (0)

September 07, 2004

Day and night

cake let us hear the song we got for her as a birthday gift... and yeah, it's close to perfect. =) glad that turned out well...

but life isn't always so rite... i remember how my blog used to look like... filled with all those mysterious italic-ed sentences. and it's so easy to go back and do those kind of things again.. writing secret messages only i would understand... hoping against all odds that someone would make sense of them.

but what's it matter anymore?

i'm so close to giving up everything... i can't keep up the take that i'm only somewhere in the middle of my journey, that everything's happening for a reason only to be revealed in the distant future.

but i guess it's a night thing... things always get better when day comes again.

Posted by zai at 10:50 PM | Comments (0)

September 06, 2004

Conflicting

so yes, can you be guilty of inaction?

and can you ever find an end that would justify all means to get to it?

Posted by zai at 08:48 PM | Comments (0)

September 05, 2004

E-vac

found myself stranded outside potong pasir mrt station cos the trains ran into a technical fault and stopped making runs to the north. and so there i was, one station away from where i was suppose to alight, admist so many lost people... desperately trying to work out alternatives to get to their destinations.

train after train, people just kept on pouring out from the mrt station to the bus stop above ground... talk abt flooding. thankfully some managed to squeeze into buses that were familiar to them, but i think most of the buses there just don't serve the north sector where most of the pple on the trains lived at.

what did i do? well, i called up my parents and they came to pick me up. am i really playing a different game? with different rules and struggles thrown in?

torn.

funny aside> imagine samuel the emotional, zai the violent and jieqiang the misintepreted mediator talking on the same subject with 3 different takes on what our outing should be like... with no one having a clue as to what each one's trying to say... the wonders of msn...

Posted by zai at 10:51 PM | Comments (0)

September 03, 2004

now what?

*raises hand into the air*

why did you save me the way you did?

you could have let me suffer the consequences of my actions and i'll still live to see tomorrow come.

so why? why did you restore me when i should have been left with nothing?

and now, where do i go from here?

Posted by zai at 11:49 PM | Comments (0)

September 02, 2004

i don't want to die...

argh!!!!! almost got into two accidents today... got my 2nd, 3rd and 4th horns on the way to and back from school. over-confidence? inability to judge when i change lanes? or just couldn't see the on-coming motorbike? mistake upon mistake... it's not so much that i mind me myself dying in an accident, it's just that i don't want to be responsible for the pple i'm giving lifts to should anything bad happen. imagine the worse case senario where i'm ok and the pple i'm ferrying are injured... argh!!!!!!

why do i keep imagining that there's a minimum speed limit on the roads? why do i cave in to the tail-gating vehicle behind me by going faster?

hate to draw parallels from experiences, but those thoughts are so apt in describing me as a person... i'm so driven by the fear of condemnation... like on the roads where i constantly think i'm too slow or that i'm not fast enough for the car behind, thoughts like 'you're too quiet!' and 'you're not fast enough, not smart enough, not strong enough' keep ringing thru my mind.

part of me wants to show that i'm capable of achieving anything you throw at me. that i'll do anything just to avoid being the disappointment.

but i just want to find my own balance. to be happy driving at my own speeds , without having to care what the world thinks of me. i don't want to go into over-drive and end up crashing pple...

Posted by zai at 11:04 PM | Comments (0)

September 01, 2004

Home again

woah... how long has it been? think my last blog entry was on nov 2003, which would make it nine months since! am i glad to be home again =)

i guess there were two main reasons that held me back from rebuilding my online journal: first was that i was fighting the issue of whether i could get away with using pirated programmes like dreamweaver and photoshop. second was that i still wasn't comfortable typing out the letters 'G-O-D' on my blog entries. well, obviously this entry signals my commitment to be back for good, so something must have happened.

was reflecting on the hardline christian take on downloading music, and thought shouldn't that apply to everything else that's pirated? which would mean that my entire web presence was built on the illegal usage of programmes that i did not pay for. then how?

the second problem was slightly easier in its resolution, i mean, right now i don't really care abt what pple think when i go all out in praising my Lord and God anymore. it's not a burden, it's a privilage! and until i could say what i just did with the fullest of convictions, i didn't want to start my blog again without being able to declare the Truth that's in me with joy and thanksgiving. it's not a once-off thing, still needing a little courage and numbing of my hyper-sensitivity every now and then to get me to shout His name =)

"human resources, however limited, when divinely expressed, is more than sufficient, to achieve divine purposes."

let this blog be born again then!

Posted by zai at 02:32 PM | Comments (0)